I guess it all started when I was 18 (I’m slightly older
than that now!! Haha a husband and three kids later!) , well truly the
foundation was laid a long time before that.
I was raised a preachers kid who moved a lot before I landed in Las
Vegas. Keeping up appearances was always
of the utmost importance in our house.
Looking great when we went in public was normal even if things weren’t
so great at home. There were a lot of
high expectations for the way I looked and performed. When things weren’t up to par there would be
a lot of anger. I lived most of my life
trying to please everyone at my expense.
I didn’t want anyone to dislike me or be angry with me.
For any of you who have done that you know it doesn’t last
too long. Eventually the anger towards
myself, God and my family started to come out.
I would fight with my parents so bad during my teenage years; I was so
angry and was unable to process all the things I had experienced. I remember the hate for my body started very
young when people teased me and then again in junior high and high school. Even at this time I had a bad relationship
with food, everything was extreme. I
would eat nothing some days and gorge myself another. By my senior year I was on the adkins diet
year round. Eventually I was home free
when I graduated high school and I was off to college! I thought all my problems would get better,
but truly things only got worst.
I didn’t know how to control myself, my life had been so
closely regulated and controlled. Some
people go to college and go crazy with drinking sex or slack at school, I
binged on food. I did not know how to deal,
I was depressed, gaining weight and in a dark place. Then I found out I had cancer. I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma, stage
2. I moved back home to do chemo and
radiation with the support of my family.
Unfortunatly, I was struggling so bad during that semester in San Diego
I did not connect with many friends =(
sorry. Chemo and radiation only
made the depression worst, I wouldn’t eat, and then I would binge, and throw up
because I was so sick. I lost my hair
and I hated my body even more because it had totally betrayed me.
I did everything to fight the cancer and I went into
remission but my spirit was completely broken.
I hated myself and I continued to purge (for those of you who prefer an
honest description that is the nice was to say throw up, puke or vomit). I went into crazy cycles of binging and
purging. As things started to spiral out
of control I spent most of my days eating and throwing it up. I would literally be in the bathroom for
hours. I felt so out of control I
started to restrict my food to try to get back control.
The truth was that the eating disorder control me but I felt
like I finally had control. I went back
to college and found other ways to feed my addiction through laxatives and
ephedra. This produced major highs and
lows for me. It was such an abusive
cycle. I dropped my weight to 100 (I am
5’7) so this was extremely thin. I was
desperate to start fighting for my life.
I was at my grandfather’s funeral when I told my parents about my
problem (I was kinda forced to my friends at the time had actually seen me
purge in front of them and threatened to tell my parents). As most people who are addicts do, I gave my
parents a watered-down version of how bad it was. So they sent me to amazing friends of the
family for an intensive therapy.
I learned so much about myself and God during this
time. I went back to Canada to reconnect
with a family I was completely estranged from.
My eyes were opened up by the lives of my family; I learned things about
where I came from that helped inspire me to fight even more. I have an amazing family with stories of
survival for generations back. I spent
some time alone in Montreal and one night I was awaken and I went into the
bathroom and for one moment I actually saw myself for what I really was
(dying). See, the problem with someone
with an eating disorder is that we actually think we are fat even when we are
emaciated. When I used to look in the
mirror I would only see fat, that night God opened my eyes to what was really
happening. I woke up the next morning
with a new understanding of how abusive this situation was for me.
It wasn’t easy after that but I started to surround myself
with people who helped, a nutritionist, therapist, physical therapist and even
a fitness trainer (he is now my husband…thanks babe).
It took two years and the fight wasn’t easy
and I relapsed often but with God’s help and others I found myself and started
to love life. Today I am free from the
cycles of my addiction but I stay free by knowing that I am one bad decision
away from going back to that dark place in my life. Staying healthy is just as hard as getting
healthy. I have four amazing boys in my
life (3 sons and a husband) that give me every reason to stay healthy. Today I exercise regularly, eat balanced (no
dieting) and go to therapy to help keep myself balanced. I love life still and I love that God and I
partnered in my healing. He asked me to
participate in it and because of that I cherish every day I have.
{I can attest to God's work in her life! She is an amazing friend, a hot wife, and a fun mother. Thank you Isabelle for sharing your story. I love you.}
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